


i just want you to know who i am

by orphan_account



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Relationship Study, Team as Family, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23489836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Saeyoung watches him grow from afar because he has no choice. Saeran made the decision to cut him off himself, and he seems happier for it. He grows right alongside his flowers, not out of place in his garden even with his tattoo and his snow white hair. Give me time, he told Saeyoung, and it would be hypocritical to insist otherwise.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel & Choi Saeran, Han Jumin/Zen | Ryu Hyun, Kang Jaehee/Main Character (Mystic Messenger)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	i just want you to know who i am

**Author's Note:**

> be safe!!!  
> warnings for: mentions of an attempted suicide attempt, nothing graphic tho!! also an attempt at saeyoung's life!!  
> also the referenced abuse!!

Saeyoung watches him grow from afar, because that's what Saeran needs right now. He watches from afar because that is all he can do for a brother who is trying very hard to unlearn how to need him every single day of his life.

He leaves behind traces of his existence just so he can make sure his brother never forgets him. He leaves stickers fashioned out from Saeran's emojis in the RFA chatroom on the wood of his door. He brings home gardening booklets and leaves them on the living room table. He double checks everyday to make sure that there's always ice cream in the freezer, ready for the taking.

Saeran's always been quiet but perceptive and he's sure his efforts have not gone ignored; this one is a person he does not know though, one he can't recognize with the pads of his fingers or the quirk of his lips. Saeran is his brother, and yet he thinks that there is not one soul in this earth who is more alienated from him than Saeyoung himself.

 _I hate you,_ Saeran had screamed when his suicide attempt was disrupted. _I hate you,_ Saeran had repeated once he had his hands wrapped around Saeyoung's neck with the intention to kill. _I HATE YOU,_ he had sobbed in his sleeves after, hiccuping and sullen and quiet, and it still seemed like the loudest to Saeyoung, who at this point was gasping for breath and shaking, shaking, shaking.

Saeyoung watches him grow from afar because he has no choice. Saeran made the decision to cut him off himself, and he seems happier for it. He grows right alongside his flowers, not out of place in his garden even with his tattoo and his snow white hair. _Give me time,_ he told Saeyoung, and it would be hypocritical to insist otherwise.

After all, he has said the same words years earlier, with his hands around Saeran's, eyes bright with the sparkle of opportunity. _Give me time,_ and Saeran did even when he was scared. He stood guard by their childhood bed until he was black and blue, waited patiently as he hauled to the doors of a cult in chains, stayed even he was made to believe that Saeyoung abandoned him. A burden, he was told to be.

How dare they? _How dare they?_ There was no one else that Saeyoung loved more in this world.

A butterfly lands on Saeran's shoulder. Its beautiful blue wings shine in the sunlight, and it takes off as Saeran continues to sing the song of a midday requiem to the life he could've always had if only the circumstances were different.

* * *

Saeran grows alone, but sometimes he doesn't want to, and in those rare instances, Yoosung is there to fill the empty void. It has been a few days since his first appearance in the Choi apartment, and Saeyoung still finds himself sulking in a corner hours after he leaves, writing the characters for _curse_ over and over again until Saeran comes by and kicks at him before telling him to quit it.

"I don't understand," he whines, "Why him?"

Saeran's replies are often variations of the unbothered _why not?_ he gave the first time. Saeyoung tries not to be jealous, but it's obvious that he is.

Still, he understands that he needs to let Saeran go. His brother may not be ready to bring up old resentments, but he may be ready to build new relationships.

He should be happy for him, and he is. It's just that sometimes he misses his brother intensely, and he wishes that he feels the same.

* * *

It's humbling to see how everyone else has already defined their spots in your own twin brother's life when you haven't. Still, he tries to be patient because it is one thing to have Saeran back and another altogether to earn his adoration again.

They are huddled in a stone terrace overlooking the sunset in one of Jumin's properties. _A celebration,_ he had told them through the chatroom, _for no particular reason at all._ It had made Saeyoung laugh. Jumin was the sort to be overly generous when in love, and with everyone aware of how Zen's been slipping in and out of his bed lately, it already seems like an admission to a happiness Saeyoung himself doesn't understand.

Love is a two sided coin, he remembers. V was in love once, too, and it had cost him so much. Jumin and Zen were always quarreling, but they seemed to be honest with their affections, at least.

The woman Saeyoung loves is pressed closely to Jaehee's side, laughing. Of course Jaehee is who she chooses, finally, and he can only smile; while everybody else seems to have forgotten what they have all gone through to get here, he doesn't have the same luxury. That's his burden and his burden alone to carry.

Still, in this universe, the woman he loves has brought his brother back to him safe so he supposes he should be grateful. Still, in this universe, Saeran learns how to understand the beginnings of a friendship in Yoosung's company. Still, in this universe, V stands beside him, silently, surveying everything as usual. They don't talk, because they both have too many sins to ever really look at each other and see cleanliness ever again, but they know that the RFA is home to both of them. Losing them isn't an option, nor will it ever be.

The woman he loves looks at him just as the sun makes its descent. Zen and Jumin are debating about something or other on a table nearby, all the while looking at each other like they might leave to find an empty room any second; Yoosung laughs merrily at something Saeran says, and the latter blinks, mesmerised; Jaehee stands alone, her hair already curling by her shoulders as she nurses her mug of hot chocolate.

"Your brother loves you," the woman he loves says, siddling up to him with a comforting familiarity. _Family, these people are my family._ Saeyoung only shakes his head.

"He choked me out. Not in the sexy way either - not that the sexy way is a viable option, but you get my point." He pushes his clammy hands into his jacket pockets. "It's okay, though. I've got all the time in the world."

She rolls her eyes. "You're always such a pessimist," she grumbles. "I'm serious. Look."

Saeran is with Yoosung, but he's stealing glances in their direction every once in a while, cheeks growing red hot every time he does.

"He wants you to talk to him. Stop playing this game of will they, won't they. You're brothers. This should be easy."

It should, but it isn't. Saeran needs to grow alone for a while. It just won't do with his older brother nagging him all the time.

"Keep your nose outta my business."

"I could, but you're so stupid about things like this. You always push away anything that could potentially make you happy."

"I do not."

"You do."

"Not."

"Do."

"Not."

"You so do."

"Shut up."

"No way! You shut up, why don't you? Let people decide for themselves. Now go to your brother before he gets talked into a LOLOL tournament."

* * *

There's something taped on the refrigerator door the next time Saeyoung comes home from a mission. It's an old sketch that Saeyoung made of both of them in their childhood. It was ugly. No doubt about that. Still, wrinkled though it was, it had survived years - years of their mother, of Rika, of abuse and blackmail and brainwashing.

"What is it?" he asks the walls, the ceiling, the corners of the kitchen island. It is only Saeran who can answer, and he enters the living room then, carrying a bowl filled with a bright red substance.

So he asks again, and Saeran replies, noncommittal, _this is hair dye, hyung._ For what? _What do you think, stupid?_ You want to get back your natural hair color? _I GUESS IT WAS ABOUT TIME ANYWAYS._

Saeyoung smiles so wide it almost threatens to tear at his cheeks.


End file.
